I had an interesting conversation with a friend and it was around the search for something, it was around relationships. But this post will not be about “that” relationship that you and I and everyone else has been hankering about. That one I will write about in another blog. This blog however, started out with a conversation about relationships which then morphed into a conversation about hunger and thirst. The eternal hunger and thirst. Have you ever felt this?
What do I mean by eternal hunger and thirst?
It feels like this: it’s a quiet discontent inside. It hums just slightly below the surface, just under your skin. It’s an itch you can’t scratch. You feel frustrated, but you don’t exactly know why. There’s something, just something that you can almost feel, a kind of sense, and you reach out… make a grab… and you open your hand, and it’s empty… It is extremely frustrating that you try to bury it. You bury it with work. “Oh”, you say, “I just have too much spare time. Better get on to the real stuff”. And so you shake your head to dispel this feeling which you believe you’re imagining. And then the feeling comes again, and you bury it by buying something new – a new watch, new shoes or bag, or even a new holiday. You feed this disquiet to tamp it down. And this feeling comes again, and you look at your life, if only I have this type of relationship or a better husband or wife or a better job… And so you leave that relationship in search for the one who will quiet this disquiet down. And you meet many people and engage with them in your search, but still the disquiet persists.
At this stage you do not even know that you are searching. I would call it distraction. And so you distract yourself with things, with activities. You distract yourself to hush that disquiet inside. How could you hush something that doesn’t make a sound? There are plenty of ways to distract yourself so that you don’t have to feel and sit with this dread inside. You would go and buy a new book, it could be fiction or a personal development book that could take you someplace else, somewhere else, just not this one where you are at right now. Or you go out with friends – parties, clubs, sex, drugs, drinks, dinner… one after the other. Just so when you get home you would be too tired to even think, so that you would be too tired to look closely into your eyes in the mirror in front of you.
And so the search continues. When I find the right partner, when I have the kids, when I finish my education, or when I take that holiday, or when I buy that house/car, or when things in my life settle down… When I get my whole life in order and achieve those goals, yeah, maybe that’s it. I just need to do all that and then I won’t feel like this anymore, like there’s a need inside of me I cannot fill. Then you go ahead and do all those things – get the perfect partner, have the kids, get the house, the education, the job, the holiday, the shoes, the branded clothes, and so on. Was that hunger fulfilled? Was your thirst quenched? How long did you feel slightly “full” before you have to go and fill yourself up again?
And the more you search the hum becomes almost deafening. It has turned into full blown hunger for what, you do not know. It has become a thirst that no drink can quench. You have become a bottomless pit of want, need, emptiness… What do you do? How do you fill up something that you do not even have a name for? How do you search for it that you don’t even know? So you think, “Ah, maybe I’m looking for my soul mate, my twin soul”. You’ve exhausted all other “material” avenues and so you turn to relationship, a relationship that is outside of you. So you consume literature after literature of information about the soul mate and twin flame and twin soul, and you go buy other people’s services so that they can tell you what you want to know, who you are and what you must do. You hungrily listen to people define you as to what you would like you to be. And you enrol in courses that will tell you the same, self development courses, transpersonal courses that are created and ran by people who are also going through the same hunger and thirst as you do. What does a hungry man teach a hungry man? And so, the hunger and thirst remain.
What do people do at this stage? Hmm? What do you think people do? I cannot speak for others, I can only speak for myself. And this is what I did.
My road to discovery and feeding the hunger
Or should I say recovery? Some of what I’ve described was my experience 20 years ago. There was really nothing major happening in my life, everything was just ok. Nothing terribly disturbing it, just the usual life that average people have. I had a boyfriend that cared about me, the relationship was ok, nothing exciting about it really, a good job, financially stable… (yawn). But underneath all that was this sense of disquiet, as if I’m sleeping. As if there’s something else. I felt like I wasn’t really living, it felt like there was this creature inside of me wanting to burst out. I was containing it in, and yet I didn’t even know where the door was to let it out, and at the same time, I was afraid to let it out.
And so my initial steps was to live. By live, meaning taking risks and having experiences that I haven’t experienced before. Getting out of my comfort zone. Jumping from the frying pan into the fire so to speak, just so I can experience things first hand. I kind of know what it might be like, but there’s nothing like really KNOWING and DOING it and FEELING it, if you know what I mean? They weren’t easy experiences. In fact, they were tough experiences. But did it make me feel ALIVE?!? Oh boy, it sure did. I wasn’t sleep-walking anymore, I was experiencing and participating and I was living and it was DYNAMIC! Plenty of ups and the downs when they are down? They are really d…o…w…n curled-up-foetal-position-trapped-into-a-corner-sinking-drowning-cannot-breathe-no-more-tears-to-shed-what-can-you-do-tear-your-hair-from-your-head-gouge-your-eyes-out down… You’ve cried enough all you can do is laugh like a demented hyena. And the question of why, why, WHY, WHYEEE???
And while I was going through all that? I forgot all about the hunger and the thirst. It was superseded with pain, deep pain, tremendous amount of pain, heart-breaking pain. In between the moments when I could breathe, I would take stock of my experience, and I would reflect and evaluate what it is about it that I am learning? What is the message for me? What is it that I need to change in me? And for each experience I would do a 360 degree change, I would peel myself from the inside out to make the change, to uncover things inside myself that I have yet to discover. Was it a fun exercise? Absolutely not. My hunger and thirst was replaced with sadness, unhappiness, loneliness, aloneness. And still I persisted on looking outside of myself, to replace the sadness. What is the thing that is outside of myself? The “right” relationship. External, romantic relationship. I thought to be happy, I just needed to find the right partner, the right man that would know how to treat me well, I just know I will reach my potential when I meet him, he will make me strong, he will bring out the best in me, the one who would complete me, my twin soul. Oh my, the books I’ve read about this topic of twin souls.
Finding my twin soul
And so the search for happiness which to me is represented by a twin soul union, began. The hunger and thirst that was covered with activities that disrupted my life now needed to be replaced by a twin soul. I searched high and low and everywhere. I read books: Am I spiritually developed enough? Is my consciousness at a level that will attract the love of my life? That twin soul was so elusive I actually gave up on it. No, I didn’t. I secretly pined for it/him. I had a list of the “perfect” man: He has to be very strong, masculine, financially stable, intelligent, can look after himself and me, polished, witty, stable… An “executive” appears to me to be the best representation of this character. My search continued, and I would find one who’s financially stable, but weak in character, intelligent but insecure, handsome but lazy and so on. Oh, the baggages people carry! And I don’t mean physical baggages like being married or having kids. I mean the mental and emotional baggages! I was a lot stronger and stable than all these partnerships I’m with, and I could never find just that right ingredient. So I gave up. I got bored with the twin soul concept. How could I not be when I look around at the potential around me? Why can’t I find someone who is like me???
Uh, what? Someone like me? … I looked back and I’m amazed at the journey I’ve taken. Somehow, throughout my adventures, I’ve managed to create and build within myself the very list that I wanted in a “perfect” partner. And as I became more complete within myself, the “right” partner did come into my life. He wasn’t perfect in the way of what was on my list, but he was perfect for me for my soul’s journey. I provided the space for him to appear and since I was no longer in need of those things which he would not have been able to give me anyway, he can just appear as he is. They say you will not be given what you want, you will be given what your soul needs.
I now realise that the hunger and thirst was my search for my self. It was a search for meaning in my life. I had to go through a long and arduous journey to find me, to find my twin soul. Or I could say to find my soul which was never lost. I had to learn to be complete within myself, to balance the feminine and the masculine within myself, to love and embrace the darkness and rejoice in the lightness within myself, to integrate all aspects of myself. Aspects of myself that I admire and hate/devalue/dislike in others. I had to learn to fall in love with myself. My friend and I laughed and said, if we could marry ourselves we would! But I believe I have. I did marry myself. I found my twin soul, it’s me all along. I’ve been searching for me all along. And I have no need for any one or any thing else. I am complete, and all else is icing on the cake so to speak.
That hunger and thirst? It’s been filled that I’m brimming with it, I’m overflowing with the fullness of it. I am so full that the most natural way for me not to waste it is to share that fullness with everyone. And one of the ways I can share is through this website and my blogs.
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